MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter
on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it
there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon
box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread
them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE
TEST
Borrow one or two
small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always
keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large,
unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the
arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large
plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a
cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into
the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the
contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining
a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly
in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay
down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and
sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing
these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton.
Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now
take toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use
only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong
ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and
buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player.
Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the
back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST
(Women)
Obtain a large bean
bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9
months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full
of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
PHYSICAL TEST
(Men)
Go to the nearest
drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for
your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper.
Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who
already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their
discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never
allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
time.